When the "F" in FAMILY stands for FAKE

It is never a "walk in the park", when one has to deal with family members, who really have no sense of real "family love".  Family members who smile at you, talk to you, embrace you....as if all is well, whilst their  hearts secretly whisper the language of deception.
In December 2004, I received a call from my older sister, who is now deceased.  She told me that she was flying out to WS(Independent State of Samoa). The reason being, that a matter regarding the probate of a certain parcel of real estate....was taking way too long. She was tired of asking, like myself as well as our brother...about the probate. The answers we got then ranged from a lot  issues caught in the legal quandry of land probate, different system, and so forth.

So, it is actually no surprise when my sister called to tell me of what she intended to do.  This was 2004 already...the wait had been long. The answers as to the hold up of the probate....was unsatifactory. It was THEN...and looking at it again NOW ...Unacceptable!

In 2001, our maternal relatives had requested that we give our power of attorney, to their mother in order to make the process easier, and that we do not have to worry about hiring a separate lawyer.

Do Not.....

Do not allow the negative thoughts and attitudes of others... .. define or shape your thoughts, or how you see yourself.
YOU KNOW YOURSELF, better than other people.  SOOOO... do not  let people, tell you, that they know you  better than...you know yourself.
THAT...is a load of BULL.
The only thing people may be privy to "KNOW" about you...is what you choose to divulge, show or share about yourself.

Family Love and Loyalty...When Blood is Thinner than Water

Several years ago, I lost my brother.  His passing was so sudden, and the details of his passing did nothing to comfort my being. He usually stopped over to spend time with us, before heading...flying off to one of his educational conferences on the mainlland.  We would all look forward to seeing him and spending those cherished several days together, before he headed back home to the islands.  News of his coming and going would always be met with such elation, applause and peals of laughter. "Oh, Uncle is coming...Uncle is coming up??? Yeeeah! Even, I  could not contain the excitement and joined in with the cacophony! Simply put, it was always a ray of sunshine, when my beloved brother stopped by.

Even as I write about him, and it has been several years since his passing....my heart feels that familiar pain, and sadness, slowly creeping in...my eyes well up in tears, and I see his face. My brother, my friend...the only one that I felt I could trust, and talk to freely, about anything ....without being judged. His laughter and sense of humor was contagious! There is no mistaking that when we had our family get together, or just firing up the barbeque and relaxing to old school, motown, soul and even classic island flava music...there was no question, that he was always the life of the party.

Several things happened before, during and after his funeral, which I found to be quite disconcerting. Through it all, what I found quite distasteful, and manipulative, was when my own maternal relatives, actually showed their true colors, and intentions. They reaffirmed my initial suspicion and distrust. They didn't give a damn about us, or for that matter my beloved brother. Their actions we nothing more but public showmanship. Let the public see that they are handling the funeral. Awwww, show that they care? Nothing but misleading and deceptive behaviors.
Please, stop lying about what happened. Most of all, STOP lying about how you wronged us with the the land probate in Upolu.
There are other negative situations, incidents, wrongful things against my family, that you all, have done.Atrocious acts of greed, on all your part that transpired, without much of a second thought.
What goes around...certainly comes around. What you give out to others, the Universe gives out or sends back to you. It's KARMA, coming full circle.

Shake it, but dont Break it

Recently, I spent a night out on the town, with some friends. Mind you, it was my first time going out, since FOREVER. lol. Taking care of family and handling the daily demands and stresses of life, can surely take its toll on one's perception of that seemingly elusive ...joie de vive. lol   It just seemed like there was no end to the "all work and no play,"...syndrome which monopolized my daily existence.

There was that "lets do lunch" or "lets go on a girl's night out"..which never seemed to make it, onto any of  the calendar blocks. No special highlighted....ME time. My calendar is filled with a daily "To Do List"....task schedules, appointments,forms to pick up and to be filled out, taking family members to work and to school, picking them up afterwards, medical appointments....in fact, it all seemed impressive to be able to follow the calendar to the letter. Multicolored check marks, reds, blues, greens, purple, pink...et cetera.  Truthfully? It was plain and damn BORING. hahaha.  Days would turn into weeks and then, months would pass, and the growing urge to step out and have some fun, would just go by with a long drawn sigh.

Well, that was until recently when I just FB'd (faced booked...messaged), my friend Oni and she told me that it was high time that we step out and have some fun in the form of.... Dancing. Yup, you got that right...it was time to get out there and dance all that stress away...hahaha!  I would say that it was fantastic! We went to Rumours....at the Alamoana Hotel...and the crowd there was just rocking the floor off!

The last time I ever remember being at Rumours, is when I was 22-23 years old! Yeeeaah! hahaha Oh, but here was a crowd that I would say, that I truly felt in sync and totally comfortable with through and through. I was dancing up a storm, and took breaks in between. I was just shaking and working that body to all that great  music...like there was no tomorrow.

To Quit or Not to Quit?

The last couple of days have been quite hellish.  Whilst dealing with this awful flu, I just didn't have the urge to smoke. Which of course IS a very good thing.,  It has been eight days since my last cigarette and seven days since, I've had the flu. I am much better now, except for continuing to cough out a lot of the phlem...mucous(yeah it sounds disgusting...lol). Guess the lungs are purge itself of all the shiet that I have managed to dump there. It will take time, and I know that, I am not out of the woods yet. 

However, it sure has been tiring to be eating so much. Just as I am elated about not picking up a cigarette, I am concerned  with the fact, that I have started eating a lot.  I mean...A LOT, that it is not funny. From one extreme to the next., Gotta do something about it. Where the blazes are you....WILLPOWER??!! LOL!
My goodness! If it is not one thing...it's another! 

I know that I definitely want to stop smoking.
However, I don't want to be gaining 30+ lbs...in the process.smoking, overeat, lose, weight, sick,
I am stressing about quitting smoking and now ...overeating.

I am going for a walk.

Nicotine Addict

I never tried to quit smoking. I would stop only when I got sick..mostly with the flu, or what I would think as a simple cold.  It wasn't a conscious effort to quit. I just didn't have the urge...or taste for cigarettes.. Wheezing, coughing and gagging, would be my morning, noon and night time song. This time is different.  I don't feel that deep burning and searing pain in my chest when I cough.  But I know my body is trying to rid itself with all the toxins I have loaded into it.

I know...I  want to quit, and I can't be putting it off for "another" day. That... "another" day.... doesn't  roll around very often, for some people.

Since Sunday(11/10) its been like a roller coaster ride through cold sweats, shakes,chills,  anger, depression, incessant hunger, trembling, raiding the refrigerator, difficulty sleeping,, bitchy comebacks, falling asleep at the Stoplight (OMG!!.)..in front of the computer... whilst sitting on the couch...this has never happened before. Maybe I am just so damn tired, that I never listened to my body.
Today is day #5 since I have been sick with the flu, and day# 5 without cigarrettes!
I hope I can hold on to quitting ...because the withdrawals are soooooooooooo hellish!

Choices We Make

We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us
so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid,
or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder.
We always have the choice.
Dalai Lama